Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize