If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
