what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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