Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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