Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
