There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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