I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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