i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
