Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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