I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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