I just cut my nipple shaving
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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