i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
