Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
