My liver just broke up with me...
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize