Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
