I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
