so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
