Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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