just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
PANTIES FOUND
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize