Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
