what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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