Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
