I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize