I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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