Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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