I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
