just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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