I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
