The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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