I heard we made out
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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