you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize