Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
