Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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