y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
