I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
