I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
