I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
