i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
