So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
