He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
