my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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