I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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