Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your cock deserves a montage
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize