mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
