She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
