Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Are my feet made of real feet?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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