Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
All the doctor said was why
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize