He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
