i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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