you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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