I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
