Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
