If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
