i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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