the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
