Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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