I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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